Hey everyone!! Its been a couple months now since I have uploaded anything new and so much has been going on. Lots of new changes in my life have taken place and continue to occur so what better way to get everything out than to write it all down and share with you all. I started my fourth semester of college, my spring semester of sophomore year, in a bit of a daze. I say this because I was not myself and did not take very well care of myself like I know I should. But eventually I found my new normal again and experienced a breakthrough that has really opened my eyes to a common questions people ask themselves, "what now?" I found myself sitting in my room and thinking well what do I do now. So I wanted to share with you all my experience this past semester and how I overcame obstacles and discovered myself again through love and forgiveness and lots of tears. So to start off my story, I want to bring up my past from the beginning of my semester from what shook my boat and caused this whole creative whirlwind to take place. Everything I type is true and honest; I am being vulnerable because I want you all to read about my journey from the lost and confused girl that I was to the strong and determined women that knows her worth and knows her path in life. So here is the ugly truth. My ex, Dalton, broke up with me the first weekend of the spring semester, and to say the very least I did not handle it well. It's still hard for me to even type this out because I wanted to appear like I was so strong and I had my entire life together to anyone I saw or even walked past. I wanted to show people that I did not need to be defined by a relationship and that I was totally okay with everything... I was not. I took the breakup very rough and did not eat or sleep very well the entire first week post breakup. For anyone who knows me, this was my first breakup, but honestly no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends you have, I believe that each one will cause a significant amount of pain because that is someone who was apart of your life and then isn't anymore. I think that everyone deserves to feel upset and feel hurt, but it is how you let the pain define you that is the real page turner. Anyways back to the story, now classes were in so I attended them but I had very little energy and did not pay any attention to what my teachers were saying much less teaching. Thank goodness I had friends from previously classes in my classes this semester, so I informed at least one person that I felt comfortable with in each class about my situation so that I new if I needed to leave or walk out for a breather, that my friend would have my back. Y'all I am not exaggerating when I say that I could physically hear a clock ticking by second by second. It seemed like every minute dragged on and on and all I could do was take deep breaths and try to focus on whatever was in front of me. For those of you who know I love to binge a good show on Netflix, that is literally all I could manage to do. I sat in front of the tv, curled up in a blanket, holding onto Benji like there was nothing left in the world. I have been upset before in my life, but I had never experienced heart break. It wrecks you. I seriously struggled to even leave the sofa for that week because as much as I tried to smile when my friends came over to hang with me, I felt like I had a brick, no a rhino, laying on my heart making it impossible to feel anything other than pain. I sobbed my eyes out every night until I would fall asleep from exhaustion. I was going through the motions I told myself, but what I was doing was digging myself a hole of would become harder and harder to come out of. I kid y'all not when I say I had friends come over during all hours of the day because I thought I was scared to be alone, but the truth was I was scared of my feelings. I often times allow for my emotions to take control over aspects of my life such as school, friendships, and even my mental health. When this happens I lash out and react to situations in a negative mindset; you can imagine that this does not end good for me. But little did I know that I had fallen right back into this situation yet again. I was allowing my feelings of grief and sadness to cloud my judgement of reasoning and self-care. It is hard to remember the exact day that I flipped the switch and got up off the sofa and ate a real meal but finally it happened. I remember I kept telling myself over and over again "I am tired of feeling this way" so I finally decided to do something about it. I changed my mindset to think about just making it through the day to the next one ahead. I strived to continue to walk and talk to people despite how I was feeling. I am not the best at hiding my emotions so I didn't anymore. When I needed to cry I let it out and let it go. I knew that trying to hold in everything was just making the whole situation worse so I just focused on doing whatever I could do each day to make it to the next. I went to class and began to listen to the lessons and actually took part in activities in my classes. I raised my hand and often volunteered myself for learning opportunities because I knew that I was not going to sulk about anymore. Of course my heart still hurt and I still cried when I was alone, but I was starting to get back to normal again and this is what started my breakthrough. I heavily relied on my friends during this time as I mentioned, and they helped me stay pretty preoccupied. Ashlyn's birthday was a huge celebration and that night I got to meet several new friends and grew connections with people that I never would have if I was just sitting upstairs in my room caught up in my whirlwind of emotions. I grew in these relationships which helped the pain receded little by little. Creating a new normal was not easy and I'm not going to lie, I still struggle with even today. The whole idea of a normal is so far off because as much as we try to set a routine for ourselves in our lives, we cannot control every single situation that arises in out line of fire. New challenges and new ideas pop up and can shake up the routine or the pattern that we may have gotten comfortable with. A book that I actually just finished reading for class actually talks about how being comfortable means you are not growing. "The Wild Card" by Hope and Wade King has been such an inspiration to me and has made me really reflect on myself since I have been back at home. As I mentioned I was heavily relying on my friends during my hard time. I am not saying to not find help and guidance from your friends, but just remember that they can only help so much. A majority of the process of building yourself back up takes place within yourself that only you can change and influence. This book made me realize where in my life I was becoming comfortable and where I was struggling. This book actually contains a 7 step process to a creative breakthrough, and the sweet Lord knew that this was exactly what I needed to answer the question "What's Next." My breakthrough was inspired by this very book. Now, I know that this book is centered around teaching and primarily directed around a teacher's breakthrough in a classroom, but with every page I read, I became more and more inspired to open myself back up again and unleash the crazy, colorful beast from within. I am a huge fan of the arts meaning: dance, music, spoken arts such as poetry, and visual art. I am very passionate about being creative and just going with your instinctual gut when it comes to how to express yourself. This book helped me realize that I was in a slump and that it was restraining me from breaking out and truly being myself. It took me getting up off the sofa, dealing with my emotions and realizing that I was being held back to realize how to answer my What Now. My what now is whatever I want it to be because life is uncertain. If this entire situation has taught me anything it is that as much as I can try to plan things out and re-arrange my future it is up to God and God alone to decide when I fail and succeed. The breakup influenced the need for me to overcome how I allow my emotions to get the best of me. Now I'm not saying that I won't continue to falter and struggle with how I feel affecting my life because hello that is normal. But I am no longer going to become a prisoner in my own skin and be anything less than the creative, energetic person that I am. My breakthrough came with obstacles and came with insight. I am now at home with my bible sitting by my bed because I realize what is important in my life. I used the now abundant free time to assess myself and what areas of my life I wanted to improve. Discovering your own What Now is never going to be easy, well maybe it might be for you who knows. But what I have discovered this past semester is that there are going to be bumps in the road but how I overcome them will launch me into new situations where I can choose to how I handle my whats next because life goes on and I just gotta focus on one day at a time.
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